Despite what fairy tales or romantic comedies might suggest, people who fall in love never go off into the sunset “happily ever after”. Matter of fact, most married people put forth continual effort in their marriages. Often the work is overwhelming and some begin to regret their mate selection and believe that if they only found the “right” person then marriage wouldn’t be SO much work. What is the normal work of being married?

Considering

Within a marriage you must take your spouse into consideration with almost every decision you make. How will this affect them? Even something as simple as a restaurant choice is done with the other in mind. Similar to being “joined at the hip” your mate is now part of you and you become only one half of the relationship.

Cooperating and Sharing

The marriage partners represent two people trying to forge a partnership in which they act together for the benefit of that partnership. Cooperation means working harmoniously with your spouse to further the goals of the marriage and often sacrificing personal interests. Couples must get good at sharing EVERYTHING… money, living quarters, bed sheets, and the workload.

Being Accountable

Just like a CEO at a shareholder meeting, you must become accountable. Your spouse is counting on you to do your part, to be where you say you will be, and to spend only the money you agreed on spending. Of course, people make mistakes so part of being accountable is fessing up, being honest, saying “I’m sorry”, listening to the disappointed partner and taking suggestions for improvement.

Expressing Yourself Constructively

Marriage requires talking, problem solving, and self-expression. For many people it is terrifying to openly share when the stakes are so high. Other people have no problem expressing themselves and do so constantly without much regard for the feelings of their mate. Couples need to become good at expressing their thoughts and feelings constructively.

Listening

Most people become quite uncomfortable while listening to information they don’t agree with. So interrupting, answering back, arguing, or shutting down the conversation is very common. Managing strong emotions while listening and understanding your spouse’s point of view is a valuable skill.

Healing “Baggage”

All of us enter adulthood with childhood wounds and unmet needs – popularly referred to as “baggage”. If you have a lot of baggage from your childhood or previous relationships the intimacy of the marriage will trigger powerful negative emotions from your past and you will play out old themes and react in old familiar patterns. Knowing your baggage and healing from it will help you to stay fresh and creative in your marriage. You won’t take out previous hurt on your spouse.

Forgiving

Happily married people offer each other instant “do-overs”. They are forever coming back to a loving place right after misunderstandings and mistakes. These people are quick to forget grievances and quickly return to being loving and generous. Holding the other in a loving state of mind takes continued effort.

So let me ask you…how hard are you working at your marriage?